search yourself

hold it in.
hold it in until you feel it pressing against the stitches, seeping through the cracks. dripping onto everything, leaving stains you can't hide and marks you can't cover. run out of excuses for all the blood and bruises. run out of places to hide the pills from yourself in the middle of the night. run out of inches of flesh where scars aren't as questionable (ifelldownthestairsakidbitmeatworkigotscratchedridingabikefreakincidentopeningletterstheneighborsdogdidit). run out of alcohol. run out of words, of ink, of spaces to write. run out of reasons you are carrying on each day. stop seeing what you used to see. stop believing in hope. stop believing altogether. understand that its never going to be the way it was. know that hopes are foolish, dreams are weakness set to pictures and thoughts. know that you could have had it all, but you weren't enough (pretty enough, thin enough, drunk enough, tough enough, troubled enough, easy enough) and that's how you lost out. lost it. lost your shine. lost your purpose. lost everything.

you weren't there when i was. will you be there when i'm gone?