the difference

it used to be that i could see people being together and being happy and it didn't really effect me. no matter what was going on i never felt any resentment, and most of the time i wished them well.

i would hear other people being bitter about seeing happy couples and i didn't understand it. and i counted myself lucky for being a person that no matter what happened, i didn't have any ill will towards people for getting to that place where i wanted to be.

but something happens to you when you lose the person who you think is the one. your heart breaks in ways that you never really thought possible. it heals, and then it breaks again, splits open in all those same places at the mention of them. you wind up walking around wounded, literally feeling a soreness in your heart. it becomes this underlying thing that never leaves you, and colors everything in your life despite all your attempts to choke it down.

you look at people who are happy together, and though part of you is happy for them, the rest of you hurts and you wonder if you'll ever get there. will this ache ever subside? i understand, now, the difference between the people who can be happy and the people who can't help but silently resent. i am standing on the other side of that line, heart just barely holding together with makeshift sutures, admiring those who haven't gone through this kind of hurt.